Today was a day of learning lessons in humility and kindness.
Lesson #1: Words cannot be taken back, and your actions and words will define you throughout your lifetime. Also, the world is a smaller place than you might think, and the past may very well converge on the present. Be mindful of what is said because words echo for a long time after they are spoken.
We received a physician's order to evaluate a stroke patient in the hospital. The patient is a retired IBMer who still works as a consultant. Feeling nostalgic, I recounted my IBM career and project history with him, and he recognized my name. As it turns out, we worked on similar performance analysis and test projects back in the early 90s, and he knew (and still interfaces with) some of my former colleagues. I recognized his name, as well, but had no clear recollection of past interactions with him. In contrast, he remembered vividly his trip to Poughkeepsie and a very specific comment I had made during a meeting. My words had made an indelible impression on him, one which must have carried enough emotional weight to have been burned into his long term storage. And judging from his face, the recollection was most likely unfavorable, although he was very gracious and did not disclose his discomfort. When pressed regarding our interaction, he said that I had made a "joke" regarding the performance of IMS. Now, any of you who might have worked on this product in past might feel the comment was justified, but it clearly offended the patient, and that memory is what endured the test of time. The "joke" was more likely a disparaging remark regarding the product which, true or not, offended him (or at least I think it did). I might have said a million other kind, interesting and positive comments, but those were lost in the shadow of this one comment.
Lesson #2: Acts of kindness and forgiveness do not need to be earned and should be given freely.
My afternoon patient relayed a story to me about reconnecting with a high school friend at his high school reunion 2 years ago. His friend had been the valedictorian of his class, but more recently had been struggling with alcoholism and drug addiction. He is now homeless living in Santa Cruz. Estranged from his family, living either in a tent in the mountains or in a shelter. Since reconnecting at the reunion, my patient has been traveling down to Santa Cruz monthly to treat his friend to a hot meal and a hot shower. Recently, his friend was provided a stark, unfurnished room through government subsidy. So when my patient went down yesterday for his monthly visit what did he do? He took his friend shopping and bought him a radio so that he would have entertainment in his otherwise empty room. Next month he plans to bring him a card table and chairs. What an amazing man. When I probed as to his personal reasons for doing this, his simple answer was "because I figured he needed some help."
Most of you probably don't know this, but my younger sister has been battling alcoholism for over 30 years. Divorced, estranged from family, and in and out of 28 day programs. We last spoke over 6 years ago, and the conversation was disheartening. At that point, I had decided to extricate myself from the situation for my own good, to protect myself. She was not invited to my wedding.
During the conversation with my patient today, I tried to envision my sister's life. Was there someone outside the family that had shown her that same level of kindness? Is she being taken care of at some level by strangers? Is she alone?
So, I called her. At first I was really afraid to make the call. Partly because I had been so negligent with our correspondence, but also because I wasn't sure what I would find on the other end. Would I be stepping back on an emotional roller coaster? The call was much more benign, and much more healing, than I had imagined. Of course the conversation was a bit stunted, it has been a long time since we communicated and it was difficult to know where to being. And we both have reservations about opening up old wounds. But, we managed.... She is doing well, living in an apartment and participating in a 90day outpatient program. She has a few close friends providing her emotional support. The sense of relief I feel is palpable...
It's a start. Perhaps Lesson #3 is that it's never too late to say your sorry.
Write-on,
Faith
Friday, September 14, 2012
Friday, September 7, 2012
Exploratorium!
I loved it! If you live in the bay area and have not been yet, it is a must see. What an amazing place! It was never on my radar because I always assumed that it would be more enjoyable to go with a family, but Google offered tickets for family night last evening, so we decided to attend.
We rushed out of work at 5:30 on-the-dot with the hope of arriving before 7pm. Unfortunately, Bay Area Traffic had other ideas for us. As if conspiring against us, each route modification brought with it more traffic congestion. Honestly, it is like no traffic I have ever experienced. Of course, I've never driven in China or India, so I cannot compare, but it is U.S. crazy! It took almost 2 hours to get from San Jose to San Francisco. The event was from 6-9, and by the time we found parking it was 7:45PM !!! ARRGGHH!! Needless to say, I arrived in a cantankerous mood, questioning our judgement on driving all the way up to SF on a school night! Can you say party-pooper?? (Hey, I heard that!)
It took all of 15 minutes in the Exploratorium to eradicate my bad mood :-) I can't say which part specifically transformed me: the fun experiential exhibits, the awe on the children's faces, or the huge grin my husband's face as he explained to me the science behind the exhibit :-) In any event, it was a great time!
I highly recommend it if you have kids, and even more-so if you don't!
Write-on, Faith
We rushed out of work at 5:30 on-the-dot with the hope of arriving before 7pm. Unfortunately, Bay Area Traffic had other ideas for us. As if conspiring against us, each route modification brought with it more traffic congestion. Honestly, it is like no traffic I have ever experienced. Of course, I've never driven in China or India, so I cannot compare, but it is U.S. crazy! It took almost 2 hours to get from San Jose to San Francisco. The event was from 6-9, and by the time we found parking it was 7:45PM !!! ARRGGHH!! Needless to say, I arrived in a cantankerous mood, questioning our judgement on driving all the way up to SF on a school night! Can you say party-pooper?? (Hey, I heard that!)
It took all of 15 minutes in the Exploratorium to eradicate my bad mood :-) I can't say which part specifically transformed me: the fun experiential exhibits, the awe on the children's faces, or the huge grin my husband's face as he explained to me the science behind the exhibit :-) In any event, it was a great time!
I highly recommend it if you have kids, and even more-so if you don't!
Write-on, Faith
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
50 Days Until 50!
Ok, so now it is really 48 days, but in my defense, I did start this on Monday :-)
Holy time travel, Batman! I embarked on this blogging journey at the beginning of the year in the hopes of capturing events, thoughts, and emotions as I approached 50. Boy did the time fly, and with only 7 posts written, here we are... The BIG countdown.
Honestly, I'm not really traumatized by the number 50. It is just another number, and the more we accumulate the better off we are, right?!?!
So, what has been going on this past year? Well, life in general, but nothing specific. As one would expect, this year is much like any other. Get up, walk the dog, go to work, come home, make dinner, go to bed, rinse, and repeat. Why did they tell you to rinse and repeat, by the way? Wasn't the shampoo good enough to clean your hair the first time?
We've had some fun travel this year. My niece, Alex, graduated from high school in June. I am so proud of her! So, Paul and I trekked back East to visit our friend, Ann, in Boston for a few days before attending the graduation and visiting family. Paul had never been to Boston, so it was a lot of fun showing him around.
Right on the heels of that trip, Paul and I celebrated our first wedding anniversary. Go us! We celebrated with a weekend in Napa and a hot air balloon ride. It has been a fantastic year, really. We've started settling in to the old married couple routine and enjoying the everyday pleasures of life together.
Two weeks later, my niece came to visit us for her graduation gift! I have never had to do so much running in a single week. Oh, to be young again. Lots of trips to San Francisco and the Santa Cruz area. Now she's back in New Hampshire studying to be a math teacher. Did I say I was so proud of her? :-)
In August, it was back on a plane to Pittsburgh for a conference. Paul had studied for his PhD there, so it was fun to share his favorite places with him.
And here we are, in September... October 23rd snapping at my heels. What's a girl to do?? Go to Kauai, that's what!! I really can't complain.
Write-on,
Faith
Saturday, August 18, 2012
Work, job, career...
Some people use these words interchangeably. For me, though, they are quite different. Work is..well..work. It is not necessarily enjoyable, although you might get satisfaction from completing the task. It is a means of making a livelihood for paying bills and enjoying vacations, but implied in the name, at least to me, is a lack of enjoyment, growth, or specialization. The dictionary suggests that a "job" is a piece of work. I couldn't agree more, my job has certainly been a piece of work lately!
A career is something completely different. The word implies growth and change. Learning new things and keeping interests fresh. What makes a career different than a job is the ability to learn new things, grow mentally, and develop yourself and your position over time. It keeps you from becoming stagnant and bored.
Lately, my career has become a job. I love the work that I do, working with people and helping to meet there communication goals, but I've been doing the same type of work for the past 8 years with the same company, without a chance of growth or promotion. I feel as stagnant as the perc ponds on hot summers day in San Jose. I have spoken to management about this, but I am at the highest level allowed. Need for productivity prevents me from carving out large chunks of time to grow new skills, and the lack of support from my management makes it difficult to spend money developing the speech therapy program further. Ultimately, though, the real limitation is that I have noone to learn from and the team does not seem interested in develop programs in the department.
So, what's a girl to do? I've been asking myself this for the last few months. I find myself dragging my feet getting into work in the morning and chomping at the bit to leave at the end of the day. I'm not old enough to retire (although retirement gets closer and closer), and I am not one to be idle. I am fortunate enough to be in a position to take a break and do something new, but what will that be?
I've toyed with the idea of going back to school and getting my phD. This would, of course, be for growth purposes, but would not improve my salary potential. As a matter of fact, if I decide to teach after obtaining the phD, I'll probably take a reduction in pay... I know, hard to believe! Still it may be worth doing as a change of direction..
Other thoughts include, volunteering for the ALS association or Parkinson's Institute, learning to play an instrument, or becoming a veterinary technician :-) As you can see, I'm all over the place on this.
One thing I know for sure, I cannot do the same thing, unchanged, for the next 10 years until retirement. And a retirement package/pension is not enough to keep me in a "job" for 10 more years if I am not learning and growing.
The future is out there... I feel I am at a turning point right now, and I need to explore in which direction I should turn.
Write-on,
Faith
A career is something completely different. The word implies growth and change. Learning new things and keeping interests fresh. What makes a career different than a job is the ability to learn new things, grow mentally, and develop yourself and your position over time. It keeps you from becoming stagnant and bored.
Lately, my career has become a job. I love the work that I do, working with people and helping to meet there communication goals, but I've been doing the same type of work for the past 8 years with the same company, without a chance of growth or promotion. I feel as stagnant as the perc ponds on hot summers day in San Jose. I have spoken to management about this, but I am at the highest level allowed. Need for productivity prevents me from carving out large chunks of time to grow new skills, and the lack of support from my management makes it difficult to spend money developing the speech therapy program further. Ultimately, though, the real limitation is that I have noone to learn from and the team does not seem interested in develop programs in the department.
So, what's a girl to do? I've been asking myself this for the last few months. I find myself dragging my feet getting into work in the morning and chomping at the bit to leave at the end of the day. I'm not old enough to retire (although retirement gets closer and closer), and I am not one to be idle. I am fortunate enough to be in a position to take a break and do something new, but what will that be?
I've toyed with the idea of going back to school and getting my phD. This would, of course, be for growth purposes, but would not improve my salary potential. As a matter of fact, if I decide to teach after obtaining the phD, I'll probably take a reduction in pay... I know, hard to believe! Still it may be worth doing as a change of direction..
Other thoughts include, volunteering for the ALS association or Parkinson's Institute, learning to play an instrument, or becoming a veterinary technician :-) As you can see, I'm all over the place on this.
One thing I know for sure, I cannot do the same thing, unchanged, for the next 10 years until retirement. And a retirement package/pension is not enough to keep me in a "job" for 10 more years if I am not learning and growing.
The future is out there... I feel I am at a turning point right now, and I need to explore in which direction I should turn.
Write-on,
Faith
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Tomato, tomahto!
Currently our back yard is, shall we say, under construction. Actually, the correct term might really be "waiting" for construction. Paul and I spent most of the winter and spring performing DEstruction on the backyard. Removing 14 cypress trees, an overgrown mulberry tree and a concrete path. Since then, the yard has been barren, waiting for us to landscape. Harboring weeds like an escaped convict... waiting, just waiting..
EXCEPT for the 12 tomato plants I decided to buy at the Santa Clara Master Gardeners plant sale in the spring. WHAT WAS I THINKING!! In my defense, I had an accomplice. My next door neighbor :-) Of course, she has a family of 4 to feed!
Paul has been a very supportive husband on this project. Rather than planting the tomatoes directly into the ground (since we hope the ground will be landscaped sometime before winter) we decided to do a planter/bucket/earthbox style garden. We lovingly, and appropriately, call it the "homer bucket" garden! Paul drilled drainage holes into 10 beautiful, orange, home buckets... We filled them with a mix of potting soil and horse manure compost... and away we went. Naively, I just assumed nature would take its course. A little water here, a little water there.. At first, the plants grew like weeds! Tall and leafy... yay, me! I rock at this gardening thing. Seriously, how hard is it :-) But over time, the leaves and plants went from a rich green to a yellow-ish color. They were producing fruit, but the plant itself wasn't looking too happy.
In contrast, the two plants we planted in an "EarthTainer" - think EarthBox made out of rubbermaid storage containers - were flourishing. Ginormous, green, leafy plants - with absolutely no tomatoes.. hmmm, no tomatoes..
So, I searched the internet and consulted my gardenweb sources. They recommended fertilizing the tomato plants as the nutrients leach out of the soil with watering. So, I started feeding the "homer bucket" garden with fish emulsion and tomato food. All organic, of course! Have you ever smelled that fish emulsion stuff - peeeuuuuu.. Lexi LOVES LOVES LOVES it :-) The plants rebounded and have been producing abundantly..
In contrast, the EarthTainer plants still are not producing. Well, that's a bit unfair. I've had to sacrifice at least 20 tomatoes due to blossom end rot. I've tried adding calcium to the water, but it hasn't seemed to improve the situation. And, I don't see new tomatoes cropping up. Paul created a float valve watering system for more even watering of this setup, and we are crossing our fingers.. the jury is still out on this setup.
So far, we've harvested probably 15 pounds of tomatoes from the "homer bucket" garden. I have been counting the number of tomatoes rather than the pounds as was suggested by my very smart husband. Next year I'll be smarter about it and measure by weight!
So far we've made Pico de Gallo, tomato pizza, caprese salad, spaghetti sauce, pasta with tomatoes, caprese salad, more pizza, caprese salad, chick peas in a red curry sauce, salad with tomatoes... you get the picture! Anyone need some tomatoes!
Here are some pictures of our project, enjoy!
Write-on,
Faith
EXCEPT for the 12 tomato plants I decided to buy at the Santa Clara Master Gardeners plant sale in the spring. WHAT WAS I THINKING!! In my defense, I had an accomplice. My next door neighbor :-) Of course, she has a family of 4 to feed!
Paul has been a very supportive husband on this project. Rather than planting the tomatoes directly into the ground (since we hope the ground will be landscaped sometime before winter) we decided to do a planter/bucket/earthbox style garden. We lovingly, and appropriately, call it the "homer bucket" garden! Paul drilled drainage holes into 10 beautiful, orange, home buckets... We filled them with a mix of potting soil and horse manure compost... and away we went. Naively, I just assumed nature would take its course. A little water here, a little water there.. At first, the plants grew like weeds! Tall and leafy... yay, me! I rock at this gardening thing. Seriously, how hard is it :-) But over time, the leaves and plants went from a rich green to a yellow-ish color. They were producing fruit, but the plant itself wasn't looking too happy.
In contrast, the two plants we planted in an "EarthTainer" - think EarthBox made out of rubbermaid storage containers - were flourishing. Ginormous, green, leafy plants - with absolutely no tomatoes.. hmmm, no tomatoes..
So, I searched the internet and consulted my gardenweb sources. They recommended fertilizing the tomato plants as the nutrients leach out of the soil with watering. So, I started feeding the "homer bucket" garden with fish emulsion and tomato food. All organic, of course! Have you ever smelled that fish emulsion stuff - peeeuuuuu.. Lexi LOVES LOVES LOVES it :-) The plants rebounded and have been producing abundantly..
In contrast, the EarthTainer plants still are not producing. Well, that's a bit unfair. I've had to sacrifice at least 20 tomatoes due to blossom end rot. I've tried adding calcium to the water, but it hasn't seemed to improve the situation. And, I don't see new tomatoes cropping up. Paul created a float valve watering system for more even watering of this setup, and we are crossing our fingers.. the jury is still out on this setup.
So far, we've harvested probably 15 pounds of tomatoes from the "homer bucket" garden. I have been counting the number of tomatoes rather than the pounds as was suggested by my very smart husband. Next year I'll be smarter about it and measure by weight!
So far we've made Pico de Gallo, tomato pizza, caprese salad, spaghetti sauce, pasta with tomatoes, caprese salad, more pizza, caprese salad, chick peas in a red curry sauce, salad with tomatoes... you get the picture! Anyone need some tomatoes!
Here are some pictures of our project, enjoy!
Write-on,
Faith
Thursday, May 31, 2012
The present is a present
What a beautiful, warm evening in San Jose, California! Lexi and I are sitting out on the front patio enjoying the evening. There is a view of the hills to our right, and if I stand on my tippy-toes I can see Mount Hamilton to the left. Lexi is laying at my feet while I read the daily newspaper. A nice glass of Hefeweizen is next to me. I know, I know, life really is hard :-)
And just when you think it can get any better, our neighbor's children start playing a piano and violin duet.
And just like that, there it is.. one of those enviable moments in life when the world just feels so right. Like a glimpse of a beautiful sunset on a hike or the fragrance of flowers on a Lexi walk. One of those moments when you just have to stop whatever you are doing to be present in the moment.
What I have come to realize is that these moments in time are all around us, but we need to be there to receive them. They are gone in a flash, easily missed between chores and work. Subtle, yet strong, just waiting to be noticed.
In a funny way, this just reminded me of my wedding day. Paul and I were dancing and visiting, eating cake, and participating in typical wedding procedures when, finally, we stopped to look up at the mountains and appreciate the day, the moment, and our lives together. I know I was present during the vows because I can remember every part of the ceremony. Yet, once the reception started, the evening became a blur. Perhaps it was the limoncello :-) But I suspect it was more about the energy and movement of the reception that blurred the edges of time. Moving us through the reception in such a way that the present was gone before we had an opportunity to soak it in.... until that moment when the hills caught my eye and took my breath away. And I realized I was married to an amazing man.. Lucky me..
Write-on,
Faith
And just when you think it can get any better, our neighbor's children start playing a piano and violin duet.
And just like that, there it is.. one of those enviable moments in life when the world just feels so right. Like a glimpse of a beautiful sunset on a hike or the fragrance of flowers on a Lexi walk. One of those moments when you just have to stop whatever you are doing to be present in the moment.
What I have come to realize is that these moments in time are all around us, but we need to be there to receive them. They are gone in a flash, easily missed between chores and work. Subtle, yet strong, just waiting to be noticed.
In a funny way, this just reminded me of my wedding day. Paul and I were dancing and visiting, eating cake, and participating in typical wedding procedures when, finally, we stopped to look up at the mountains and appreciate the day, the moment, and our lives together. I know I was present during the vows because I can remember every part of the ceremony. Yet, once the reception started, the evening became a blur. Perhaps it was the limoncello :-) But I suspect it was more about the energy and movement of the reception that blurred the edges of time. Moving us through the reception in such a way that the present was gone before we had an opportunity to soak it in.... until that moment when the hills caught my eye and took my breath away. And I realized I was married to an amazing man.. Lucky me..
Write-on,
Faith
Sunday, April 1, 2012
Happiness in Life
I ran across a recent post on Google+ that was entitled "12 Things Happy People Do Differently." This list included:
1. Express gratitude.
2. Cultivate optimism.
3. Avoid over-thinking and social comparison.
4, Practice acts of kindness.
5. Nurture social relationships.
6. Develop strategies for coping.
7. Learn to forgive.
8. Increase flow experiences.
9. Savor life’s joys.
10. Commit to your goals.
11. Practice spirituality.
12. Take care of your body.
This got me to thinking. Am I really happy? I surely should be. I live in a beautiful area, in a nice home, with a wonderful dog and the man that I love. But yet, I find myself complaining, worrying, fixing (it is the fixing that can really get you in trouble!) ... not taking the time to truly appreciate what is right in front of me... busy moving on to the next "thing".
So, I decided to do exactly what the list warned me against, and compare myself to "happy people" in the interest of science and enrichment. Where am I lacking in this "happy people" equation? That statement alone should make #3 jump right out at you!
I know I feel gratitude. I certainly say "thank you" enough in my day, but is that really gratitude? Gratitude is being able to sit back and really, I mean REALLY appreciate what just happened. Both the simple and the amazing. Like when my husband gets up early to walk the dog enabling me to get to a garden sale on time. What a kindness, especially from a man who would sleep until 10 if given the choice!
The other day, an older gentleman at the hospital saw me rushing to a meeting and asked a question. The conversation went something like this:
Optimist: "Can you do me a favor?"
Pessimist: "I think so, if I can."
Optimist: "can I borrow some of your youth?"
Pessimist: "I'm not sure I have much left to share!" Of course, I was trying to be funny! One liner comebacks are my forte. He didn't miss a beat, though. In his booming voice, he yelled out: "Have a fantastic day sweetie!" I was certain that he was one of those "happy people!" I have to admit, it worked. I chuckled and continued on to my meeting with a smile on my face, a little lighter in my step. Talk about cultivating optimism!
When I look at the rest of the list, I know I definitely have some items down pat. I certainly have goals - some might say I'm an over achiever. Planning a wedding in 4 months, remodeling a home.. I am driven, that is for certain. I see my goals to completion, for better or worse. Also, I do take care of my body with regular exercise and a fairly healthy diet.
However, forgiveness is something I still dole out sparingly, and only after ruminating on things for a period of time, although that amount of time is shortening with each practice. Rancor just doesn't taste as good as it used to. Letting go has been a particular challenge that I am certain prevents me from making the top 10 of the "happy people" list.
I had no inkling as to the meaning of "increasing flow experiences, " a foreshadowing that I had something to work on here! "Having spontaneous joy while doing a task." Really? Does that mean I need to be elated whilst I mop the hardwood floors. I mean really, does that happen in life? I sure wish sarcasm was on the list of what "happy people" were good at! Sigh.
Ding. Dong. Oh, gotta run. Pizza just got here! I am going to practice spontaneous joy whilst eating my pizza, and I promise to SAVOR every last bite!
Write-on!
1. Express gratitude.
2. Cultivate optimism.
3. Avoid over-thinking and social comparison.
4, Practice acts of kindness.
5. Nurture social relationships.
6. Develop strategies for coping.
7. Learn to forgive.
8. Increase flow experiences.
9. Savor life’s joys.
10. Commit to your goals.
11. Practice spirituality.
12. Take care of your body.
This got me to thinking. Am I really happy? I surely should be. I live in a beautiful area, in a nice home, with a wonderful dog and the man that I love. But yet, I find myself complaining, worrying, fixing (it is the fixing that can really get you in trouble!) ... not taking the time to truly appreciate what is right in front of me... busy moving on to the next "thing".
So, I decided to do exactly what the list warned me against, and compare myself to "happy people" in the interest of science and enrichment. Where am I lacking in this "happy people" equation? That statement alone should make #3 jump right out at you!
I know I feel gratitude. I certainly say "thank you" enough in my day, but is that really gratitude? Gratitude is being able to sit back and really, I mean REALLY appreciate what just happened. Both the simple and the amazing. Like when my husband gets up early to walk the dog enabling me to get to a garden sale on time. What a kindness, especially from a man who would sleep until 10 if given the choice!
The other day, an older gentleman at the hospital saw me rushing to a meeting and asked a question. The conversation went something like this:
Optimist: "Can you do me a favor?"
Pessimist: "I think so, if I can."
Optimist: "can I borrow some of your youth?"
Pessimist: "I'm not sure I have much left to share!" Of course, I was trying to be funny! One liner comebacks are my forte. He didn't miss a beat, though. In his booming voice, he yelled out: "Have a fantastic day sweetie!" I was certain that he was one of those "happy people!" I have to admit, it worked. I chuckled and continued on to my meeting with a smile on my face, a little lighter in my step. Talk about cultivating optimism!
When I look at the rest of the list, I know I definitely have some items down pat. I certainly have goals - some might say I'm an over achiever. Planning a wedding in 4 months, remodeling a home.. I am driven, that is for certain. I see my goals to completion, for better or worse. Also, I do take care of my body with regular exercise and a fairly healthy diet.
However, forgiveness is something I still dole out sparingly, and only after ruminating on things for a period of time, although that amount of time is shortening with each practice. Rancor just doesn't taste as good as it used to. Letting go has been a particular challenge that I am certain prevents me from making the top 10 of the "happy people" list.
I had no inkling as to the meaning of "increasing flow experiences, " a foreshadowing that I had something to work on here! "Having spontaneous joy while doing a task." Really? Does that mean I need to be elated whilst I mop the hardwood floors. I mean really, does that happen in life? I sure wish sarcasm was on the list of what "happy people" were good at! Sigh.
Ding. Dong. Oh, gotta run. Pizza just got here! I am going to practice spontaneous joy whilst eating my pizza, and I promise to SAVOR every last bite!
Write-on!
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Happy Memories
Lately these days, I have been so exhausted after a day of work that the thought of opening up a book to read just hasn't appealed to me, which is sad because I really LOVE to read. It's gotten so bad that I did what I vowed I'd never do, saw the movie BEFORE finishing the book. Truth be told, I was never going to get through that book. I had started reading it a year ago and still was on page 60!
But tonight was going to be different. I decided to just start something, even if I didn't get very far. I picked up a book entitled "When Elephants Weep." It was given to me from a friend and former IBM co-worker, Ruth. Back in 1995! I know what your thinking, "she never gets through books." But that's simply not true. For some reason, though, I had never even started this one. I suspect it had something to do with the work schedule back then.
I was determined! I opened the book and started to read when a little piece of paper fell out of the book. It was a note from Ruth! Wow, a 17 year old note that I had never read. It brought such a smile to my face. What a wonderful gift. To finally get back to a favorite hobby and find a note from one of my favorite co-workers. We had worked long, hard hours together both in Poughkeepsie and in Germany. And, although the work was challenging, there were many great times. A ballet in Berlin, a visit to the tower in Ulm, making pumpkin pie for our German co-workers, and sharing wonderful dinners with Benno and his family.
And then I had to chuckle. The note finished with "but don't tell me when you pick up this book to read, or I may worry that you don't have enough work to do :-)" Ha! I think I'm safe now..
Write-on
Faith
But tonight was going to be different. I decided to just start something, even if I didn't get very far. I picked up a book entitled "When Elephants Weep." It was given to me from a friend and former IBM co-worker, Ruth. Back in 1995! I know what your thinking, "she never gets through books." But that's simply not true. For some reason, though, I had never even started this one. I suspect it had something to do with the work schedule back then.
I was determined! I opened the book and started to read when a little piece of paper fell out of the book. It was a note from Ruth! Wow, a 17 year old note that I had never read. It brought such a smile to my face. What a wonderful gift. To finally get back to a favorite hobby and find a note from one of my favorite co-workers. We had worked long, hard hours together both in Poughkeepsie and in Germany. And, although the work was challenging, there were many great times. A ballet in Berlin, a visit to the tower in Ulm, making pumpkin pie for our German co-workers, and sharing wonderful dinners with Benno and his family.
And then I had to chuckle. The note finished with "but don't tell me when you pick up this book to read, or I may worry that you don't have enough work to do :-)" Ha! I think I'm safe now..
Write-on
Faith
Sunday, January 8, 2012
At what point does making compromises "compromise" the relationship?
Life is all about compromise. We all need to compromise at some point in our lifetime in order to get along with others. To be a productive member of society involved in positive meaningful relationships. Whether it is a project at work or the choice of a movie, restaurant, or vacation spot with family and friends. According to Wiki, "to compromise is to make a deal between different parties where each party gives up part of their demand...finding agreement through communication and a mutual acceptance of terms." But there is also a darker side to compromise, where both parties give up on what they really want in order to come to a resolution. A sort of capitulation in which both parties feel they have lost something in the process.
I have to be honest, I've never been very good at compromise. Having been single *well* into my 40s, I defined my own path in life, making independent decisions about my future. Sure, I've compromised with friends and family, but these are small compromises, given here or there as the circumstances require. Generally speaking, though, as a single person, compromises are weaved into the fabric of an independent life, here and there, unnoticed and short lived.
On the contrary, compromise is elemental to a successful marriage. I am learning this first hand, and luckily with a partner for whom compromise is second nature. I wish I could say the same about myself! I am amazed at how often I find myself acting like a selfish toddler, refusing to give up on my sacred "position." My knee-jerk reaction is to say "no" and stand my ground for what I want. The process of change has been very slow, but I am learning with the guidance of my patient husband. Or at least I thought I was learning until the holidays hit.
We had hosted Thanksgiving at our new home with friends and family. It was a really great day, surrounded by people we love, but it was very exhausting. So, I was looking forward to a quiet Christmas and New Years, just the two of us. We had been working hard all year with the house, wedding, house, yard, house.. you get the picture. Nothing sounded better to me than a relaxing day at home, maybe a hike with Lexi followed by a nice quiet dinner. But, a wonderful opportunity presented itself to see a good friend of Paul's on Christmas, so I compromised. Don't get me wrong, I was very happy to have an opportunity to catch up with our friend, and dinner was very nice. BUT, on the day after Christmas I found myself resentful that we didn't have time alone to relax and enjoy our first Christmas morning as a married couple. We were so busy we never even took time to open our Christmas cards. And what did I do on the day after Christmas?? In a less than gracious manner I complained about my compromise. It wasn't what I had wanted... yet I had agreed to the plan.
I vowed to myself (and my husband) that New Years Eve would be different. A nice quiet dinner at home followed by a movie. Maybe we'd stay awake until midnight, maybe we wouldn't. But again, I practiced the art of compromise. Practice makes perfect, right? You'd think I'd be getting better at it, wouldn't you?
Friends wanted to get together for dinner and a movie over the weekend, and I left the choice up to the rest of the group to decide which night. So, they came over on New Years Eve. In all fairness, not only had I agreed to the plan but I had given up my vote on the matter. Initially, everything was great. I thought, "hey, I'm getting good at this compromise thing." I enjoyed the dinner and the conversation, but as the evening drew on, I was getting exhausted. Again, I found myself resentful that our plans had changed. This was not what I had wanted for our first holiday together.
This really made me think, is it just that I'm a sore loser? Or is it that I wasn't being true to myself with the compromises I had made. I had "capitulated" rather than offered a reasonable compromise or alternative that would make us both happy. I could have (should have) said something like, "Sure, dinner and a movie sounds great, but not on New Years Eve." That statement offers something for both of us to look forward too. Instead, the result was that neither of us were happy in the end.
The process of change has been very slow, but I am learning.
I have to be honest, I've never been very good at compromise. Having been single *well* into my 40s, I defined my own path in life, making independent decisions about my future. Sure, I've compromised with friends and family, but these are small compromises, given here or there as the circumstances require. Generally speaking, though, as a single person, compromises are weaved into the fabric of an independent life, here and there, unnoticed and short lived.
On the contrary, compromise is elemental to a successful marriage. I am learning this first hand, and luckily with a partner for whom compromise is second nature. I wish I could say the same about myself! I am amazed at how often I find myself acting like a selfish toddler, refusing to give up on my sacred "position." My knee-jerk reaction is to say "no" and stand my ground for what I want. The process of change has been very slow, but I am learning with the guidance of my patient husband. Or at least I thought I was learning until the holidays hit.
We had hosted Thanksgiving at our new home with friends and family. It was a really great day, surrounded by people we love, but it was very exhausting. So, I was looking forward to a quiet Christmas and New Years, just the two of us. We had been working hard all year with the house, wedding, house, yard, house.. you get the picture. Nothing sounded better to me than a relaxing day at home, maybe a hike with Lexi followed by a nice quiet dinner. But, a wonderful opportunity presented itself to see a good friend of Paul's on Christmas, so I compromised. Don't get me wrong, I was very happy to have an opportunity to catch up with our friend, and dinner was very nice. BUT, on the day after Christmas I found myself resentful that we didn't have time alone to relax and enjoy our first Christmas morning as a married couple. We were so busy we never even took time to open our Christmas cards. And what did I do on the day after Christmas?? In a less than gracious manner I complained about my compromise. It wasn't what I had wanted... yet I had agreed to the plan.
I vowed to myself (and my husband) that New Years Eve would be different. A nice quiet dinner at home followed by a movie. Maybe we'd stay awake until midnight, maybe we wouldn't. But again, I practiced the art of compromise. Practice makes perfect, right? You'd think I'd be getting better at it, wouldn't you?
Friends wanted to get together for dinner and a movie over the weekend, and I left the choice up to the rest of the group to decide which night. So, they came over on New Years Eve. In all fairness, not only had I agreed to the plan but I had given up my vote on the matter. Initially, everything was great. I thought, "hey, I'm getting good at this compromise thing." I enjoyed the dinner and the conversation, but as the evening drew on, I was getting exhausted. Again, I found myself resentful that our plans had changed. This was not what I had wanted for our first holiday together.
This really made me think, is it just that I'm a sore loser? Or is it that I wasn't being true to myself with the compromises I had made. I had "capitulated" rather than offered a reasonable compromise or alternative that would make us both happy. I could have (should have) said something like, "Sure, dinner and a movie sounds great, but not on New Years Eve." That statement offers something for both of us to look forward too. Instead, the result was that neither of us were happy in the end.
The process of change has been very slow, but I am learning.
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