Lately these days, I have been so exhausted after a day of work that the thought of opening up a book to read just hasn't appealed to me, which is sad because I really LOVE to read. It's gotten so bad that I did what I vowed I'd never do, saw the movie BEFORE finishing the book. Truth be told, I was never going to get through that book. I had started reading it a year ago and still was on page 60!
But tonight was going to be different. I decided to just start something, even if I didn't get very far. I picked up a book entitled "When Elephants Weep." It was given to me from a friend and former IBM co-worker, Ruth. Back in 1995! I know what your thinking, "she never gets through books." But that's simply not true. For some reason, though, I had never even started this one. I suspect it had something to do with the work schedule back then.
I was determined! I opened the book and started to read when a little piece of paper fell out of the book. It was a note from Ruth! Wow, a 17 year old note that I had never read. It brought such a smile to my face. What a wonderful gift. To finally get back to a favorite hobby and find a note from one of my favorite co-workers. We had worked long, hard hours together both in Poughkeepsie and in Germany. And, although the work was challenging, there were many great times. A ballet in Berlin, a visit to the tower in Ulm, making pumpkin pie for our German co-workers, and sharing wonderful dinners with Benno and his family.
And then I had to chuckle. The note finished with "but don't tell me when you pick up this book to read, or I may worry that you don't have enough work to do :-)" Ha! I think I'm safe now..
Write-on
Faith
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Sunday, January 8, 2012
At what point does making compromises "compromise" the relationship?
Life is all about compromise. We all need to compromise at some point in our lifetime in order to get along with others. To be a productive member of society involved in positive meaningful relationships. Whether it is a project at work or the choice of a movie, restaurant, or vacation spot with family and friends. According to Wiki, "to compromise is to make a deal between different parties where each party gives up part of their demand...finding agreement through communication and a mutual acceptance of terms." But there is also a darker side to compromise, where both parties give up on what they really want in order to come to a resolution. A sort of capitulation in which both parties feel they have lost something in the process.
I have to be honest, I've never been very good at compromise. Having been single *well* into my 40s, I defined my own path in life, making independent decisions about my future. Sure, I've compromised with friends and family, but these are small compromises, given here or there as the circumstances require. Generally speaking, though, as a single person, compromises are weaved into the fabric of an independent life, here and there, unnoticed and short lived.
On the contrary, compromise is elemental to a successful marriage. I am learning this first hand, and luckily with a partner for whom compromise is second nature. I wish I could say the same about myself! I am amazed at how often I find myself acting like a selfish toddler, refusing to give up on my sacred "position." My knee-jerk reaction is to say "no" and stand my ground for what I want. The process of change has been very slow, but I am learning with the guidance of my patient husband. Or at least I thought I was learning until the holidays hit.
We had hosted Thanksgiving at our new home with friends and family. It was a really great day, surrounded by people we love, but it was very exhausting. So, I was looking forward to a quiet Christmas and New Years, just the two of us. We had been working hard all year with the house, wedding, house, yard, house.. you get the picture. Nothing sounded better to me than a relaxing day at home, maybe a hike with Lexi followed by a nice quiet dinner. But, a wonderful opportunity presented itself to see a good friend of Paul's on Christmas, so I compromised. Don't get me wrong, I was very happy to have an opportunity to catch up with our friend, and dinner was very nice. BUT, on the day after Christmas I found myself resentful that we didn't have time alone to relax and enjoy our first Christmas morning as a married couple. We were so busy we never even took time to open our Christmas cards. And what did I do on the day after Christmas?? In a less than gracious manner I complained about my compromise. It wasn't what I had wanted... yet I had agreed to the plan.
I vowed to myself (and my husband) that New Years Eve would be different. A nice quiet dinner at home followed by a movie. Maybe we'd stay awake until midnight, maybe we wouldn't. But again, I practiced the art of compromise. Practice makes perfect, right? You'd think I'd be getting better at it, wouldn't you?
Friends wanted to get together for dinner and a movie over the weekend, and I left the choice up to the rest of the group to decide which night. So, they came over on New Years Eve. In all fairness, not only had I agreed to the plan but I had given up my vote on the matter. Initially, everything was great. I thought, "hey, I'm getting good at this compromise thing." I enjoyed the dinner and the conversation, but as the evening drew on, I was getting exhausted. Again, I found myself resentful that our plans had changed. This was not what I had wanted for our first holiday together.
This really made me think, is it just that I'm a sore loser? Or is it that I wasn't being true to myself with the compromises I had made. I had "capitulated" rather than offered a reasonable compromise or alternative that would make us both happy. I could have (should have) said something like, "Sure, dinner and a movie sounds great, but not on New Years Eve." That statement offers something for both of us to look forward too. Instead, the result was that neither of us were happy in the end.
The process of change has been very slow, but I am learning.
I have to be honest, I've never been very good at compromise. Having been single *well* into my 40s, I defined my own path in life, making independent decisions about my future. Sure, I've compromised with friends and family, but these are small compromises, given here or there as the circumstances require. Generally speaking, though, as a single person, compromises are weaved into the fabric of an independent life, here and there, unnoticed and short lived.
On the contrary, compromise is elemental to a successful marriage. I am learning this first hand, and luckily with a partner for whom compromise is second nature. I wish I could say the same about myself! I am amazed at how often I find myself acting like a selfish toddler, refusing to give up on my sacred "position." My knee-jerk reaction is to say "no" and stand my ground for what I want. The process of change has been very slow, but I am learning with the guidance of my patient husband. Or at least I thought I was learning until the holidays hit.
We had hosted Thanksgiving at our new home with friends and family. It was a really great day, surrounded by people we love, but it was very exhausting. So, I was looking forward to a quiet Christmas and New Years, just the two of us. We had been working hard all year with the house, wedding, house, yard, house.. you get the picture. Nothing sounded better to me than a relaxing day at home, maybe a hike with Lexi followed by a nice quiet dinner. But, a wonderful opportunity presented itself to see a good friend of Paul's on Christmas, so I compromised. Don't get me wrong, I was very happy to have an opportunity to catch up with our friend, and dinner was very nice. BUT, on the day after Christmas I found myself resentful that we didn't have time alone to relax and enjoy our first Christmas morning as a married couple. We were so busy we never even took time to open our Christmas cards. And what did I do on the day after Christmas?? In a less than gracious manner I complained about my compromise. It wasn't what I had wanted... yet I had agreed to the plan.
I vowed to myself (and my husband) that New Years Eve would be different. A nice quiet dinner at home followed by a movie. Maybe we'd stay awake until midnight, maybe we wouldn't. But again, I practiced the art of compromise. Practice makes perfect, right? You'd think I'd be getting better at it, wouldn't you?
Friends wanted to get together for dinner and a movie over the weekend, and I left the choice up to the rest of the group to decide which night. So, they came over on New Years Eve. In all fairness, not only had I agreed to the plan but I had given up my vote on the matter. Initially, everything was great. I thought, "hey, I'm getting good at this compromise thing." I enjoyed the dinner and the conversation, but as the evening drew on, I was getting exhausted. Again, I found myself resentful that our plans had changed. This was not what I had wanted for our first holiday together.
This really made me think, is it just that I'm a sore loser? Or is it that I wasn't being true to myself with the compromises I had made. I had "capitulated" rather than offered a reasonable compromise or alternative that would make us both happy. I could have (should have) said something like, "Sure, dinner and a movie sounds great, but not on New Years Eve." That statement offers something for both of us to look forward too. Instead, the result was that neither of us were happy in the end.
The process of change has been very slow, but I am learning.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)